Listen up, everybody. OK, just Cate.
I have an announcement.
Wait, wait, Paul, not until I've had my first cup of coffee of the day.
I've seen you pour five cups already.
One cup, I just, you know, warmed it up a few times.
A few? Try five.
Honey, honey. Tsk tsk.
- Mom. Dad. - Bridget's hogging the bathroom.
- I was gonna say that! - And Kerry was gonna tattle on her.
Do you realize you just tattled on someone for tattling?
Yeah.
Long as you're here, I've got an exciting announcement. Cate?
Wait, I just need a warm-up.
OK, your oldest daughter has been in the bathroom for an hour.
- An hour? What is she doing in there? - We can rule out reading.
[phone rings]
- [Rory] Hello. - One more smart remark,
- there will be a consequence. - My life is a consequence.
Honey, that would have a lot more impact if you didn't say it every day.
- No, Darin. Bridget's busy. - [Bridget] Darin?
She can't come to the phone now.
- Why, you ask? - Rory!
- Because she's in... - No!
...the bathroom.
- You told him I was in the bathroom? - No, I didn't. Oh, wait, I did.
No one can know I use the bathroom. My life is ruined.
- I have to do damage control. - No calls, put the phone down.
I've got an important announcement for the family.
Dad, if I don't get on the phone, people will think I actually use the bathroom.
Bridget's using the phone after you told her not to.
It's like a disease with you, isn't it?
Mom! Dad said I have a disease.
Oh, come on, please.
Would somebody like to listen to my announcement?
Switched at birth. Please say I was switched at birth.
Kerry! Cate, would you help me out over here?
What's the big news?
OK, I just reserved, for our family vacation
our favorite cabin at the lake!
For two weeks!
Non-refundable deposit!
The cabin we all love!
Paul, put your arms down.
Why are we going to the cabin at the lake? It's so stupid. I hate the lake.
Well, I can see everyone is as excited about the cabin as I am.
Look, in the spirit of open-mindedness,
let's all take a seat and listen to everyone else's ideas.
OK.
Cabin by the lake, Paul. We haven't forgotten.
Write it down.
What about space camp? They have zero gravity chambers
and you get to sleep in real astronaut bunk beds.
Could he be any geekier?
You know, I have a place that's fun, educational, and very patriotic.
- Space camp? - Astro-not.
Where I wanted to go was Mall of America.
It has over 550 stores, an amusement park and 50 restaurants.
It's a no-brainer.
You just walk right into these, don't you, Bridget?
Kerry, you're really getting to me with your sarcasm.
You know, I think this family should go visit Grandma and Grandpa in Sarasota.
We could hang out in the sun, it'll be relaxing, we'll go swimming
and I don't have to cook.
Cate, your parents don't like me.
You know, I know that, honey, and I weighed that...
...but I still have to go with "don't have to cook."
OK, Kerry, your turn. Where do you wanna go on the vacation?
Oh, whatever.
I've always wanted to go there. You talk about it all the time.
OK, a family vacation should be a vacation away from your family.
Not move your family to a smaller place with fewer bathrooms.
What's going on? Sounds like you don't wanna go anywhere with your family.
So now who's being sarcastic?
Why are we having this discussion? You know we're gonna end up at the cabin.
Well, it is on your mother's list.
Oh, come on, you know what, I am really tired of all of you dumping on my ideas.
You wanna decide, fine, we'll have a contest.
Bridget, you have to give up talking on the phone.
You have to give up tattling.
And you, Princess of Darkness,
you have to give up being cynical and sarcastic
and the last person standing gets to pick the vacation.
Or picks no vacation at all?
- OK, if you win. - I'm so in.
Paul, what about you? Fair's fair, you have to give up something, too.
Fine, I don't mind giving up something if you can find a flaw in my character,
some little, tiny bad habit.
- The way you come into our room. - The way you dress.
Kids, kids, kids, kids! One at a time.
How about giving up the remote to the TV?
Oh, you're kidding, right? At least make it challenging.
Oh yeah, you wouldn't last a day.
OK, fine. What about you, happy?
What can you give up?
Me? Well, I'm practically perfect in every way.
- But I'm sure we'll find something. - What about your coffee addiction?
Addiction? No, I'm just a social coffee drinker.
I can stop anytime.
- OK, well now would be good. - Well how 'bout just one more sip.
No, I think that's good.
I think it's better. No, it's better this way, cold turkey.
Well, how we holding up without our morning coffee?
- Fine. Just fine. - We're out of orange juice.
So go buy some!
It's OK, I'll have some cran-apple juice. Would you make me some, hon?
You have no respect for me or the work I do around here or the clothes you wear.
- Paul, that shirt is hideous! - Thanks. You think it'll bug Kerry?
You know, I... I really don't care. I have a splitting headache.
Honey, sweetie, you know what, you're just going through withdrawal.
Know what you need? Know what would help...
...is a nice, steaming hot cup of coffee.
- Daddy, look, there's a fight on ESPN. - Oh, Bridget, thank you so much.
- And, now there's not. - [chuckles]
You know, behind those beautiful green eyes, there's pure evil.
I'm gonna get one blue contact. It'll look so awesome.
- Far out. - [phone rings]
Hello. Oh, hi Darin.
No, sorry, Bridget can't come to the phone now.
Want me to say you're not in the bathroom?
Daddy, that is so mean.
No, Bridget, no, it's a telemarketer. I'll call you back.
Paul, did you see your daughter?
I know. I'm winning. I mean...
Hey, Care Bear, do you like my shirt? Pretty foxy, huh?
Mom, I'm gonna write something down and I'd like you to read it to Dad, OK?
If it's sarcastic, you're still out.
[scoffs] Never mind.
[knocking loudly]
Ow. Ow.
Rory! Oh, my, it is freezing out there. Who locked you out in your underwear?
It was...
...nobody. - Oh, honey.
No. No, no, no, no. Listen.
And the tragic thing was, I was just shaving my legs.
They do not get hairy. I was just shaving them.
- What are you doing? - Just putting my clothes in the dryer.
Oh, excellent. You know, then, the next step would be to turn it on.
I must have left it in my pocket.
Hello. Hi, Kyle.
Yeah, she'll call you back.
Gee, I thought you had more will power.
What's that smell?
Fabric softener?
Oh really? What's it called?
Moca Java Dryer Sheets?
- Ha! You're cheating! - Oh, so what.
You are so busted.
Yeah, well so are you. And what a drag.
You know, Mall of America was starting to sound better than my parents' condo.
Mom, are you thinking what I'm thinking?
That we form an alliance?
Or, that we team up and not bust each other.
Yeah, I like your way better.
Good. I don't want to know what happens to hair in zero gravity.
So how do we knock Dad, Kerry, and Rory out of the game?
Oh, I don't really care.
I mean, everybody has to go.
I don't!
Oh, come on, it's no big deal.
Hey, sometimes I even write my name in the snow.
- Kyle! - And yours.
Eww!
- Hey, no touching. - Yes, good. No problem.
- Where's your mother? - At home.
- Her mother. - You mean my grandma?
No, Bridget's mother.
How should I know?
- She's doing laundry. - Again? That's the third time today.
Bridget, guess what?
Somebody hung a "Reserved for Bridget Hennessy" sign on the girls' bathroom.
Who would do a mean thing like that; such a sarcastic thing?
I don't know. But, you know, maybe you should call Heather, and find out.
- Where are you going with that? - Laundry room.
I mean the cream.
- It takes out red wine stains. - It what?
- Hey, Dad, Dad look, sports. - Oh God, Bridget.
- I'll help, Mom. - Oh, this is so cool.
- Oh, look, Dad, not sports. - Oh...
- Well, I better be going. - I love it when you say that.
Oh, wait, wait, Kyle, there's a Pistons game on the other channel.
- Cool. - You wanna watch with me?
- Why? - I don't know,
maybe we could get to know each other better.
Like bonding.
Well, I guess you could say... Just turn the channel, please.
Attaboy. Come on.
Dad, can you show me how the washing machine works?
- Rory, I'm watching the game with Kyle. - We're bonding.
- Quiet Kyle. - But Dad.
Not now.
You know, Mr. Hennessy,
my Dad never takes the time to watch a game with me.
- He doesn't? That's so sad. - So, actually, it means a lot...
It's not a commercial. Do you see a commercial?
- Now I do. - No wait, Kyle.
- Later, Papa H. - No, no, don't go, Kyle. Wait, wait!
We were bonding, something about your dad.
[door shuts]
Kerry?
Um, do you think you'd mind, uh,
perhaps just for once,
changing the channel for me? Please?
- Sure. - Oh, thanks honey.
Oh. Look, Dad, it's television for women. You wanna watch?
Dad, do you know how you always say you should face your fears?
- No. - Well, one should.
I'm scared of the laundry room. Help me face it.
You know, you're a pretty weird kid.
Sometimes I hear horrible noises coming from there.
Slurping, beeping, ghost like whispers.
Oh, what a big man you are,
to admit to your fears even though it could cause ridicule.
Your sister and mother are down there. Go ask them to check it out.
- Hey! - Oh, sorry, Dad.
You better put that in the wash right away.
- Are you outta of your mind? - I can't say.
Rory, don't keep things bottled up, son. It's unhealthy.
It creates inner conflict that can lead...
Go to the laundry room while Bridget's on the phone and Mom's drinking coffee!
Doesn't it feel better to get that off your chest?
- I blew it, didn't I? - Oh yeah. You're out.
Tiffany's water bra leaked during volleyball practice? I am so...
He's got you.
Daddy, you scared me. Mom, give me my coffee I gave you to hold for me,
while I dialed the phone for you.
Oh, who cares? I'm just gonna make another pot.
You're both out. Hit the showers.
- Looks like it's just you and me, kid. - And soon, it'll be just me.
What do you say I take you out for a bite, just you and me?
You're planning something, aren't you?
Can't a Dad treat his daughter to a nice, quiet, relaxing dinner?
Welcome to Maybe Baby's. I'll be serving you this evening. I'm Sandy.
Oh, for the love of...
Gosh, I love your costume.
Thanks. You know, if you wait 40 minutes, I change into Bad Sandy.
['50s music playing]
- I sing Leader of the Pack. - We've gotta stay for that.
Um...
good Sandy, what do you recommend for someone who's not very hungry?
- We have a Love Me Slender salad. - Ooh!
I'll just stick with water.
Let's see, for me, what looks yum, yum, yummy, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum.
I'll have the grilled cheese sandwich with Chubby Cheddar.
- Okey-dokey. - [imitating Elvis] Thank you very much.
Dad, you've clearly underestimated my tolerance of bad, fake, '50s diners.
- Fine, let's just enjoy dinner. - OK.
- How's school? - Fine.
It's a great time of life for you, you know, right now.
The jocks, the pep squad...
- Dad, I know what you're doing. - What? High school's fun.
The marching bands, the mascots, prom decorating committee.
Yes, Dad. All the happy people are having a wonderful time.
- You're not one of the happy people? - That's not what I meant.
- What did you mean? - Whoa! Way too personal.
Let's just stick to the contest, OK?
Yeah, and just to let you know, I'm back, I'm bad and I'm nationwide.
I gotta go.
- No, Dad! - Kerry!
I'm not talking unless it's about the contest, OK.
- Some things are more important. - Hey, Dad, look!
- Doesn't this make you crazy? - Not now.
Kerry, the reason I did this contest was because
I wanted Rory to give up tattling 'cause it's a pain in the neck.
Bridget to give up the phone because she's always on it.
I wanted your mother to give up coffee because, well, that one was just mean.
And I wanted you to give up being sarcastic because, you know,
once in a blue moon, I'd like to see the genuine you.
You know, you made up this contest
because it was another way for you to make us do what you want us to do.
I mean, like going to the lake every year,
or... or making me talk about things that I don't want to talk about.
God, Dad, I mean, that's why you love the remote control so much,
you know, you love to control everything.
As long as we're being genuine, do you want to know why you're sarcastic?
- Well, I'm sure you're gonna tell me. - Paul.
It's a wall you hide behind, because otherwise, God forbid,
people would see the real you.
The you you're afraid people won't like.
- Paul. - Dad.
Who's winning?
- I'm out. The contest is over. - Kerry, you win.
Big deal. Who cares? You know what...
Kerry!
[sighs] What did she just say?
I... I think she said she wants to go to Mall of America.
- [knocking] - [Paul] Kerry.
Oh, go away.
I'm sorry.
Sorry, monkey.
Monkey.
Oh, forget it. You were right.
No, you know, I...
...I didn't mean to lose it and upset you downstairs.
You may not believe this, but I was a pretty easygoing guy once upon a time.
- What happened? - Kids brought out the worst in me.
There's Muttsy. Hey, doggie.
Do you remember what happened at the department store when you were five?
- Oh, Dad, not again. - It's a pivotal moment.
We were getting out of the elevator, I turned away for two seconds,
you hopped back in, the doors closed, you were gone.
- I can still hear you screaming, "No!" - That was you.
When I finally found you, you ran into my arms and burst into tears.
- Nuh-uh. - OK, I did.
- You bought me Muttsy. - I would have bought you the store.
- I asked for a bike. - You weren't gone that long, sweetie.
It's OK. I love Muttsy.
- Know what Muttsy's first words were? - No.
It was on the ride home, and Muttsy said to me,
"Can we go to the cabin on the lake?"
- 'Cause there were no elevators. - No elevators.
Thank God I bought you that dog.
It's the only way I could find out what's really going on with you.
Yeah, a talking bike would've been really stupid.
As long as we're still talking,
when do you think Muttsy developed...
...well, developed that attitude?
Muttsy does not have an attitude, OK.
Kerry you have to admit, you've got one sarcastic dog there.
Bear, you know, you don't let anyone in.
Maybe some people just don't want everybody knowing their business. OK?
We're family. We get into each other's business, that's what families do.
So you're not that tough,
so you cry sometimes, is that so weird?
No. Weird is not wanting anyone to know you use the bathroom.
Great, we're on the same page here.
So you'll try harder to be less sarcastic? Maybe?
At least with your family?
Work out a system, odd-even days?
- Maybe. - OK.
Come on, let's go downstairs. Come here.
Yeah...This contest was stupid, and I think my Dad was cheating
so now my dream trip to Mall of America is totally ruined.
Oh, yeah and Kerry cried.
Mom, Bridget told her friends that Kerry cried.
That's shocking.
Mmm. Hello, friend.
Well, we have a winner. And we have some losers.
OK. Good, Kerry wins, now we can stay home.
Or maybe not. I have an announcement to make.
This year we're going to the cabin at the lake.
- [Bridget scoffs] - The cabin at the lake!
Paul, put your arms down. ---//---